Ten reasons why I like to keep my fingernails long.

Do you know that I keep my fingernails for useful purposes? Here are some of the examples on how I fully utilize the long, nice fingernails that God gave me and also the reason why I cannot bear to part with my darling fingernails:

1. Gives more satisfaction when I scratch myself.

2. It’s my weapon for attack and defense. (Go figure…)

3. Easier for me to open sealed plastic bags. (keropok, sotong kering…)

4. Nicer to rake my hair with when I need to tame my tresses in public and cleans my scalp thoroughly when I shampoo my hair.

5. Essential tool for nose digging. (Euwwhh..)

6. Easier for me to reach the inner part of my itchy ears. (Urgghh…)

7. Easier to peel mandarin oranges with it and especially useful when it comes to cleaning those whitish, root like skins. (I am planning to have a lot of mandarin orange during Chinese New Year and hence the long fingernails)

8. Gives me something to chew on when I am anxious or nervous.

9. So that I can impersonate a hopping ghost (keong see, jiang si, hopping corpse…choi!)

10. I can’t find the nail clippers.

Disclaimer: The article mentioned above is purely fictional and had no connection whatsoever with the living, the dead, the stillborn, the bedridden or the author herself.

*On the road experience retold by a motorcycle pillion rider.

Picture a busy, bustling road. There are cars, lorries, buses, SUVs, BMWs, BMXs and Yamaha, Suzuki, Kriss, students, schoolchildren, housewives, apeks, ah bengs, ah lians etc and etc. Think again. How many of them actually realize the coexistence of other beings on the road apart of themselves? Do they actually concentrate on the road?. Sadly, no. As far as I can see, most of them had assumed that their grandfather bought the road or their second auntie is JPJ’s mistress. No offense, but every time when I was pillion riding, there were always near misses of car honking crazily, vehicles cutting lanes like nobody’s business, speeding buses, bullet speed motorcyclists, blind pedestrians, crossing chickens and so on and so forth.

Well, it really unnerves me that it is so unsafe to be pillion riding. I can’t help but to close my eyes and prayed for the best whenever I am on a moving motorcycle. The only sense of security I have at that particular moment is a 3 centimeters width metal bar to hold on to my dear life and it takes a screwdriver to pry my fingers away from it even after I reached my destination. Ironically, pillion riding is quite a norm of my life, and there are lotsa “interesting” events that had happened on the road that caused me cussing endlessly albeit missing a few heartbeats.

Pedestrian #1

I was riding to class, going at around 30km/h and slowly decelerating to turn right into the campus. About five students waited to cross in the middle of the road divider. I slowed down, did some mental calculation, deduced that they wouldn’t be crossing since I am so near. I steered my handles 60 degrees to the right and move 20 km/h. Suddenly, one lunatic female walked out of the crowd tried to make a dash across the road. Oh gawd! We collided. And there goes, a poor little girl crying in the arms of her boyfriend and a group of bystanders giving me the dirty look. I was like, hey! I was hurt too! How come nobody asked me how I felt? The motorcycle was practically on my right calf and nobody help! Talk about gentlemen in Malaysia. Thank God that my bones are still intact. Needless to say, I skipped class that day. Stayed at home to nurse my bruise and scratches. Phew! It was really a lucky accident. The road was usually busy with heavy vehicles running full speed. Well, if one of them happens to travel on the road at the moment when we were sprawled on the road… I dare not think…

Pedestrian #2

I was riding home in the evening, careening on a 800 meters straight all the way when I noticed this guy standing at the edge of the road. When I was like, 3 meters away, he started to cross, practically colliding into me. What the *tut*? Are you blind, idiot? Guess what? He was taking his own sweet time crossing and he even had the nerve to whip out his to send sms! *Tut* you! I should have bulldozed him and it will be convenient enough to call an ambulance since his phone is in his hand.

So, have you ever had this kind of experience before?

So, after getting financial approval from her parents, friend #1 set out to buy her mouse. I have no idea that it was so hard to shop for a mouse. I reckoned that she must’ve browsed all the computer shops (thank God not the sewers!) in the area before settling down on a piece of purchase not bigger than half of my palm.

Friend #1: See! My new mouse! (Attaching to CPU)

Me: Aiks! Why like that? (Mouse blinking with blue and red diode, alternately)

Friend #1: Yer! Why like that one? So eerie! I don’t likelah!

Me: Didn’t you test it first?

Friend #1: Oh! Ya-hor, never thought of that. How ar? Iskhh..

Me: Nevermindlah, look like disco light…

Friend #1: Yer after I sleep that time it keep on blinking…

Me: Want or not? Don’t want then give me…

Friend #1: Want!!!

Friend # 1

4.30 pm
Click! Click click click! Click click click click! Click! *Slam, slam slam!*
Detach mouse, fling it like lasso, ask me to lend her my mouse, attach to her CPU, attach her mouse/lasso to my CPU. Not working. Her mouse, dead. Certify, 4.30pm.

4.55 pm
Went to class. Friend #1 moody.

Me: So when are you going to buy a new mouse?
Friend #1: No money… *Sigh, sigh, sigh…*
Me: Then, no need buy? Can survive without pc?
Friend #1: Feel like going down to the sewer, catch a mouse and attach it to my CPU.
Me: *Speechless*

KNOWLEDGE That Leads to Everlasting Life

That is actually a book title. How did I come across this book? Lemme see.

Two days ago on a boring Sunday afternoon, while I was washing the bathroom and cursing at the stains, somebody was calling and calling on the front porch. With a floor full of Vim and a hand clutching the abalone brush, I wouldn’t be bothered to answer.

Unfortunately, my housemate was somewhere in their line of sight and she was forced to walk out to the balcony to find out what were they going to say. Turned out that there were two middle age women out there talking incessantly, in Mandarin. It is bad enough that my housemate’s Mandarin vocabulary is limited, but worst is to come. I was forced-dragged out of the bathroom to substitute my housemate’s place on the balcony. !@#$%#* Geez.

I guessed I must have smelled like clean toilets. I look downwards at the intruders who had disrupted my job, took a deep breath, smiled and said, “How can I help you?” in Mandarin. And then, again, one of the two women started their enthusiastic approach. I wasn’t very sure about what she said. She introduced herself as uhh (forgotten) and her partner (also forgotten) and she started to talk about attaining everlasting life on the earth! Or something like that. (I was standing at the balcony, remember?) I guessed she must have noticed my blank expression as she suddenly got agitated (my imagination?) and whipped out a leather bound bible from her suitcase. Oh my God! I should have realized earlier from what she said. She was talking about the gospel. She must have wanted to quote something from it when I stopped her by saying, “its ok I have one of those!” (In Mandarin, of course!) That seemed to please her as she was smiling and nodding and all that.

Phew! Just when I was about to congratulate myself, she came with another question that caught me completely off guard. “Are you a Christian?”. Now, I know the ten commandments, I know that I shouldn’t be lying, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell the pious lady down there that I am just not a Christian. To tell you the truth, it struck me as odd for a non-Christian to own a bible. But I do have one. I was not lying about having a bible. In fact, I do read it once in a while. But I am just not a Christian. Sigh. This is so hard to explain. As to why I own and read a bible while I am not a Christian, I will elaborate it next time. Just hoped that Christians out there do not judge me with a prejudiced eye.

So, we continue with our story. The lady, sensing my discomfort about the question, came out with another question. “Do you know that when Adam and Eve were created, where did God place them? Is it in the paradise or on the land of the earth?” Now, I know that Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden before God banished them for disobeying Him. But it just didn’t occur to me as to whether the Garden of Eden is on earth or paradise, (My logical answer is on the earth) so I just shook my head politely.

That’s it. She was wearing this bemused expression, giving me the impression that I am a failed Christian somehow. And she persisted on explaining the geographical factor of Adam and Eve’s abode, telling me that they actually lived on earth. I was like, duhh aren’t we supposed to have descended from them according to the bible? So, since my understanding towards the gospel are sufficed to be called as skin deep, I just kept my fat mouth shut and hope that whatever she is saying had better be quick. (I have to finish my toilet washing job, remember?).

And then, she proceeded on recent tsunami disaster (Is it my imagination or is everyone quoting that natural disaster in every aspect of our lives?), God’s architecture to build a paradise for us, things like that. After her lengthy introduction, she finally took out a book and asked me to read it. “Sure, I will read it”. I said. Just leave it in the post box and I will collect it when I am on my way to dinner. Now this might sound like a selfish me, but that is the most unsuitable moment to grab my keys and head downstairs just to collect a book. She was kind of disappointed with my reply, but hey, I promised that I will read it ok? I know her motives are good and I respect her religiousity rather than turning her away like a dratted door-to-door salesman selling toothpaste.

And then, just before she end her speech, she said that they were collecting funds for a certain charity to create awareness among the human regarding everlasting life that God prepared for us (forgive me if I am wrong, I just paraphrased from what I heard…from the balcony). Now, that’s really something. She knew that I am a student. And a poor one at that. I was planning to have instant noodles for dinner that day since my wallet was colder than iceberg. Therefore, I had to refuse to give to whatever charity fund she was trying to collect. Sorry dear, no money. A few moment of awkward silence and they perceived that I am penniless. They say goodbye and ended the conversation saying, “We will visit you from time to time…”
What???