No more new posts.

No more new blogs.

No more dreams.

Farewell.

I will return when the time is right.

Life is fragile, yet beautiful. This is the lesson I learnt from the past one hundred days after the passing of my maternal grandmother. Thinking about her is always like walking down memory lane, a nostalgic memory of a woman that had touched my life in a way that nobody could ever do.

It is sad to speak that her demise is something unlooked for, as she had never failed to be there to witness every milestones of my life.

Reminiscing about her is akin to invoking a whirlpool of emotions in my heart, bringing laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, and most importantly, giving me the strength and encouragement to go on.

It is unfair sometimes that someone you cared for will never be there for you again. But only through our loss will we be able to learn and accept the fact that life is fragile. We should not take our loved ones for granted least the day will come when you may never have the chance to cherish them again.

As for me, my father broke the news of my grandmother’s demise gently, knowing that I will be greatly grieved by the fact that she is no longer there. Everything was in a haze, as I somehow find myself at my late grandmother’s home. She passed away peacefully in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by her beautiful flowers and pastime pets and I know that there is nowhere else that she wanted to be had she known that death is knocking on her door. Eventually everything went smoothly, and she was finally laid to rest side by side with her spouse, my belated grandfather, who had departed twenty years earlier, the year before I was born. I could only recall myself looking at her for the very last time, trying to etch an everlasting memory of her in my mind before seeing her off the last journey to the abode where she will be sleeping for the rest of the eternity.

We held an informal reunion, for my late grandmother’s sake. My mother and her siblings, their spouses and children, sat together in my late grandmother’s home and relived the memories of their mother. The elders recalled days of hardship, whereby my late grandmother and her spouse had thirteen kids to raise with a meager sum of wages. They used to sell tidbits outside the cinema, catch fishes, sprout bean sprouts and sometimes borrow money from the chettiar when they could not make ends meet. The law sons and daughters remembered a law mother that is understanding, caring and yet at the same time, determined. My father, being somewhat close to her (she raised me from infancy, and my sister, from the age of eight) lamented that he missed they way my late grandmother always greeted him with a pot of brewed coffee in the kitchen. The children, particularly those who lived and grew up in my late grandmother’s home (me, my sister, and my two male cousins) were particularly sentimental as she had been in our life for so long that we could remember. We had accounted the birthday gatherings that she insist of preparing and celebrating despite her advanced years (seventy nine at the time of her demise), of all her wisdom that she impart on us, of the punishments we got for being naughty, as well as all the things that she had done to mould us into what we are today. My aunt, being my late grandmother’s eldest offspring, related to us our late grandmother’s words, bequeathed to her in a series of informal talks between her and my late grandmother. To her children and their spouse, she had wanted them to raise their children well, to give them education and to guide them to the right path. To her grandchildren, she advised us to study hard and to be filial to our parents. Lastly, it is her wish to see that all her children and grandchildren to return to her humble abode (that has been dwelled by my unmarried, aging aunt and uncle) at least once a year, to gather round for a reunion, catch up old times, and most importantly, to acknowledge close family ties.

Just when I thought that I had lost my grandmother yesterday, time really caught up and we were celebrating her 100th day anniversary a few days back. I will be twenty one in a month’s time, and for the first time in my life, my late grandmother will not be there with me. But I knew, somehow, that she will be smiling at me from heaven on that day. May God bless her soul.

It has happened, a few times in fact.I clicked on the create new post button, and realize that I have nothing to write about, or rather, I shouldn't be writing anything at all. Afterall, this is the season of finals, and I should be studying instead.

Admist the confusion of what I should do and what I shouldn't, I sometimes ponder about why am I blogging and why this blog is created.

And lasted.

For a year.

With not much of an audience.

Initially, when I started this blog, I intended it to be a nice little space entitled for me to be vain, to be able to write about things that I like, to be able to blog for myself.

And I become reckless.

Until the moment I realized that I might hurt people in between lines of word.

Because of that, I deleted many, many of posts that I really enjoyed writing, and from that moment onwards, I tried not to reveal myself too much in the things that I wrote.

And this robbed off the joy of writing freely, of whatever I want, of whatever I think is wrong or right. In fact, I was too good in my blog to be the real me.

Once, recently, in a moment of disagreement, I brashly mentioned to him that I will be bitching about him in my blog.

In the spur of the moment, I felt embarassed for mentioning about it. Embarassed for the fact that it actually held no threatening effect whatsoever, and embarassed for the fact that any Nancy, Jane and Ah Lian could have a blog and it is a no big deal afterall. Indeed, he just scoffed it off and I felt stupid for mentioning it.

Now, for one reason or another, I am standing in between to continue blogging the way that I want or to quit this stunt altogether.

Maybe I should continue, maybe I shouldn't.

Until then I will be in a hiatus mode.

Goodbye guys, if there is actually that many people reading this blog at all.